Bring me the funny!

I was going to go with the inevitable "bringing funny back" title. But then I realized there might be a paper thin chance that someone other than Mike actually reads this. So I thought the association to Justin Timberlake could be a potential deal breaker for my growing (fingers crossed) audience. Hence the non pop culture referenced title.

Good.
Now that we have that taken care of.

I had the scariest dream last night. An no...this isn't going to be a bloggie all about my freaky ass dreams. Although it could be if I wanted it to be...cause it is my spot o' blog and I shall do with it what I wish. Anyway...this dream was so scary when I woke up from it I woke Mike up from a dead sleep and made him check out the apartment. I was really scared. I had to snuggle up next to him and momo even tho there is a freak heat wave happening in the Bay Area and it was like 9 million degrees in our bedroom. I can't even remember what it was about except there was an apartment building and freaky people after me. The weird thing is that I think I have had this dream before. Reoccurring nightmares are such a bitch. I was surprised tho by the severeness of the dream only because last night was my favorite night of the week. It was Thursday and that is a good TV night. And no I am not talking about Lost you losers. That show sucks...get over it.

I'm so happy that shows are back to being truly funny again. Before this new line up started I couldn't remember when I had actually laughed out loud at a sitcom. Obviously leaving out certain exceptions like "Arrested Development" and "The Simpsons". Shows like "My Name is Earl", "The Office", "30 Rock"...these shows are reaffirming my belief that TV can be really funny. Even SNL has been funny lately. And I'm not talking about cheap laughs. I'm talking about laugh out loud funny. This makes me happy. Don't get me wrong...I love my drama. Law and Order will always top my list. But who doesn't have a soft spot in their hearts for some good ole' fashioned 1/2 hour of funny?

(quote from 30 Rock) Liz:

Hi. I'm really sorry about what I did, and I know that you can't forgive me, but just to even things out, here's all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting, which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment, like never. I have had three donuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all-you-can-eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow... I am a mess. There is an 80% chance in the next election that I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one, when I was a kid I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied, I have had five donuts today. So that's my deal, now we're even.

Classic.

The other thing about this new trend that makes me happy is the emergence of hilariously funny female comedic writers and actors. Like my own personal favorites Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. And my quickly rising idol Kristin Wiig. These ladies personify funny in a way that makes you have to respect them. And I love them for it. They aren't ditzy funny, skanky funny, or bitchy funny. They are just funny. Yay for funny!

And I am sorry to you Lost people for calling your show stupid (no I'm not) and by the way...Heroes sucks too! HAHA

Gum

I saw a commercial last night for gum that said that Extra sugar-free gum was a new and delicious 5 calorie snack. What the fuck?! Since when is gum a snack? Chips, nuts, pretzels, popcorn, cookies, these are snacks. Gum is not. Gum is barely a member of the candy family. But the ad did tell me that I could go from "nice gut" to "nice butt" so it must be magic gum. And if that is the case then they are marketing it all wrong.

Socrates McFadden and comic lore

I've been getting these spam mails in my hotmail account lately and the names that they come from are totally awesome. Is it wrong that the fake people from Spamtown seem cooler than your real friends and family? Examples: Socrates McFadden, Abioye Pitts, Nemisis Block?! I want to live in Spamtown! I can change my name and sell Viagra for 2.99.

In other news!

I saw Iron Man this weekend and I really liked it. I thought it was really well done. I am a "late bloomer" when it comes to comics and things of that nature. I was a tomboy growing up but I was an outside/sporty tomboy so I kinda missed out on the whole comic culture. I didn't really start to know or care about anything comic related until I started really hanging out with the boy that would become my husband. I walked into his room for the first time 7ish years ago and was assaulted by the hundred comics on his wall (not to mention the early 80's space wallpaper that looked like it was printed on crazy red and blue graph paper behind the comics). I was instantly fascinated and to be honest felt kinda sorry for my little empty, drab walls at home.

I am an avid reader and I always lumped comics in the category of magazines...and boy was I wrong. I would ask Mike about some of the covers that caught my eye and he would tell me the story. I got really interested in some of them and then he would start to tell me the "mythos" (some went back a good 30 years or more!) behind certain characters and stories. I was honestly floored. I had no idea comics were so enthralling. I liked that they could pack huge stories in a few pages and the tension could continue along book by book. My favorites started to become X-men because it was one where the ladies really truly kicked some major ass

and of course Batman. I've always liked Batman...but the Michael Keaton Batman I knew and loved paled in comparison to the stories Mike would tell me about. Having a contingency plan on how to destroy every member of the JLA in case they started trouble?! Kyrptonite gloves to beat the hell out of Supes?! Priceless. Then I read the Dark Knight and we started watching the animated series by Bruce Timm and I was friggin hooked. I would move to Gotham right this second if it were a real place. And I would start a gang with Ivy and Harley Quinn. Nah, screw it...it is my make believe story...I would be Harley Quinn.

Except I would take less shit from Joker.

Next came the HeroClix, and the trips to the comic shop, and the game where Mike would say the "super name" and I would have to figure out their real name. I know I sound like a dork when I talk about this stuff to other people but I don't care. Some of the most interesting conversations I have had in the last 10 years have been about comic stuff.

So, I saw Iron Man. And loved it! And I stayed after the credits and saw the secret part. And I cheered! And I felt a swell of pride when I cheered because I not only knew what they were talking about(which it seems few did)...I had his whole goddamn HeroClix team! And got the power attack bonus too, biyatch! And I gotta tell you, it feels good to be part of this dork nation. Even if I am a noob.
Clearly this last part is a rub to all of those English teachers that told me I couldn't start sentences with "and!"

And I am done.

Why are you 40 and on a scooter?!

I take the train everyday to work.



It isn't the most fun thing in the whole world but it is $106.00 for an entire month of travel... back and forth as many times as I want. Take THAT gas! HAHA, suckers. So in taking the train I see a lot of stupid things. Mostly because there is a large concentration of people on trains and people are stupid.

For example: This morning I was arriving at my stop which happens to be the end of the line, San Francisco. It is uber busy during the commute times...cause...well...it's a train station during rush hour. I was sitting in my chair (aisle seat) listening to music with my eyes closed. I'm sorta half sleep in the morning cause it is boring and reading on the train makes me sick. So, I am sitting there and, mind you, we are a good 5-7 minutes away from actually stopping. Suddenly the woman next to me decides that she would like to leave and get in the line that forms when antsy people can't wait to get off the train...RIGHT NOW. So she precedes to hit me with her purse. This startles me so I open my eyes and look over at her like "Whatthefuck?!" is written on my forehead. She is hovered over me looking as if she is ready to climb me like Everest... so she can stand in line... to wait... for the train to stop... in 5 minutes. So in fear of getting hit by her "it took the entire cow to make" purse, again, I stand up and let her out. But now I have no where to go so I am stuck standing. Blast! I need to get a bigger bag.

Now when you exit the train there is only one way to go so it is basically like a herd of cattle heading to the slaughter. Everyone trudges along heading to their respective shitty jobs. Except for the group of people I lovingly call Wheeltards. These are the people that if we were all cows would get tazed (btw tazed is not really a word but I refuse to change it) because they jack up the whole process. The WT (as I call them in my head) this morning that I wish I could've tazed was a 40 something year old business man. Who was trying to unfold his razor scooter in the middle of the stampede. As he swung the thing around and it hit my shin I started to wonder; What possesses a 40-something year-old man to ride a razor scooter? What causes him to think... "Hey, I have to get from here to there and I want to do it .02 seconds faster than those schmucks walking."? And "Hey...those 8 year-olds in my neighborhood that have them look really bitchin' and I'm just sooooooo jealous of them."

Watching him mess with it made me think of when my cousin used to give his Transformers to my mom so she could help him change them to the "more than meets the eye" part. And he would look up at her, and she at him, and they would just stare at each other. My mom couldn't change them into anything. She couldn't do it because THEY WERE FOR KIDS. And as we all know, kids are just smarter at shit like that. Those 8 year-olds on his block could probably make that scooter ridable in 3 seconds blindfolded underwater. But Mr. Need for Speed was messing up the whole system. HE is a Wheeltard. Other wheeltards include people with wheelie bags and people with strollers but when the kid is replaced by Macy's bags. Bikes aren't included because those people are persecuted on the train so they know their shit and do it perfectly. Yeah...wheeltards...I gotta get a tazer.

I had the weirdest fucking dream last night

As my title states...I had the weirdest fucking dream last night. I went to sleep kind of early because I was soooo tired and as soon as I fell asleep I was scared. I hate those kind of dreams because I never know at first why I am scared. It is like coming into a horror movie a half hour late. The weirdest part was that in my dream I was just in my bed at home. I could tell Mike was next to me and I knew that Pocky was there too. Before I go on I guess I should explain. Pocky is our pug min-pin mix. She goes by many names but her full name is Apocalypse Momo Von Doom. She is the cutest and oddest dog in the entire world. We got her for free from some guy that was too selfish to have a dog. She sleeps right in between Mike and I usually smashed under one of us. We think she is autistic or "dogtistic" (see former posts) because she likes to be squeezed. We make her say ridiculous, horrible, racist things (even tho we are the most un-racist people out there) because she is so cute and we like the contrast. Hence the spike collar. Anyway enough about her...on with my dream. So, I am in my bed but awake not knowing why I am so scared and then I see this little guy. I had to draw him because there is no way I could describe him well enough. He appeared on my chest like this:

Except he was less cartoony and way more scary than this picture. But he wasn't even the scariest part. It was what he planned to do to me. That is the other thing that was fucked up about this dream - before you start thinking dirty things...you freaks- it wasn't like that. He was going to unravel me...yes unravel...like a sweater. That is what I hate them most about dreams like that. He never said he was going to unravel me..I just knew it. Which is ten million times worse. But I couldn't move or talk or anything...of course...so I was just lying there waiting to be unraveled. But then...just when he was going to start Pocky barked in the "real world" and it woke me up. But I was still scared. So I crawled up next to Mike and grabbed Pocky for good measure and tried to go back to sleep hoping that the dude wouldn't show up again. And he didn't...at least not that I can remember.

See...that was fucked up.

Regret, Headaches, and Transformers

I didn't like that font. It was too close together. It gave me a headache. Not like that is very hard these days...seems like lately if a leaf touches my head I get a massive headache. I think it is my brain telling me to shut the fuck up and relax. I feel exhausted when I wake up in the morning and that, my friends, is just ridiculous. I feel like I have been playing an uber-intense "hiding for your life" game of hide and go seek...all night long. Why? you ask? Why do I feel like this even in my sleep? Because I seem to be drowning in regret lately. It seems like every decision I make I regret...and if I don't regret it...I feel like I could have made a better one.

Maybe that still is regret...I dunno. See! I just regretted using the phrase regret. I tell you...something is coming over me and I don't like it. My dad is like this...only on a much bigger level. I am not blaming him because I don't like it when people blame all their bad traits on their parents. I am just saying that now I get where he was coming from a little better. But now the question is: how do I get out of it? I don't really know yet but I am hoping that I can figure it out over the next couple of weeks cause I need some sleep! Stay tuned bloggie readers (all 2 of you)to see the miraculous conclusion of Regretful Laura. By the way...the main happiness I get from life is smashing two words together to make a new "omniword" and it is pissing me off that I can't do it with blog readers. It comes out as bleaders...which is just wrong. reaggers? maybe...i dunno...still have to work on that one.

On a completely other topic...sort of...I think I shouldn't be alone in my regret soup because last night we watched Transformers, and Mr. Michael Bay should be swimming in here right along with me. Some of the fights were neat...some parts were sorta funny...and the rest was just garbage. How many story arcs should one "robot" movie have? Apparently 12 not including the underdeveloped love story.

It would have been so good...if they made the transformers design less busy, took out almost every other human except Shia Labouf, removed the military element entirely and for god sakes...can we please leave out the "hot girl who knows cars(at least knows that his car stopped because the gasket cap was loose), cause she used to steal them, with her dad, who is in jail, cause she turned him in, who rides on a moped yet has the skills to drive a tow truck with a giant robot hooked to it backwards thru a crazy city?"...wait...now that I think about it...this is the only movie where a character like that could have ever existed. Well done Mr. Bay...you are creative.

Lala

I was just thinking last night...

Wow, I haven't written anything on here since July. That is a long fucking time. I think it is because I have been trying to get together a book. So all of my errant thoughts have gone onto paper. I know, I know, it seems a bit old fashioned but my best thoughts seem to come to me where a computer is not only unavailable but totally inappropriate. Like in the middle of the night or in the shower. I guess paper and pencil is a little ridiculous in the shower too but you know what I mean. I think I am going to get some of those crayons that you can draw with in the shower so I can remember stuff. But because this blog isn't meant to be the story of the shower I shall move the hell on.

This bloggie is about some thoughts I was having last night before I went to bed. I was thinking about Mike, my husband. Our relationship ALWAYS seems to be the target for criticism. True, it is always people that I don't care about enough to actually talk to them for real and it is always a very "outside looking in" comment on us...but it still pisses me off. I happen to feel that we have an extremely strong partnership. So I got to thinking why it is always questioned and I think I figured it out. People still have such a fucked up view on what happiness is and what the reality of two people going thru life is that it makes us look weird. My Gram always used to say that she knew we were going to be together forever because we can call each other retards, laugh, talk about some sticky situation we are in and then kiss all in the span of 5 minutes...while driving in the car...while Mike is on the phone. We just try to be real. I was telling a story to a former co worker of mine once and by the time I was done you would have thought I told her about how I raped her cat. I was telling her about when we got married (at a state park for less than 2 grand btw) we left the reception and went back to the room...and soon got hungry and bored. So we called up some friends of ours to see if they wanted to go to Denny's. So on our "wedding night" we had an awesome meal and conversation with friends. That is fun for us. We could have sat in the suite with candles and stared into each others' eyes but that would have been totally lame. So she was horrified (I believe her wedding cost about as much as a house-and horses and crowns were involved) but that is how we are. We are weirdly independent and at the exact same time I need him more than air.

So, why does it bother me so much that people constantly want to say we are wrong and have a weak relationship? Normally I would say thanks, fuck off, and that would be that. But this really bothers me. I think it is because with ALL of the the stuff that I fuck up in my life I strive to make my relationship good. I may falter here and there with some things because I have a fucking hurricane in my brain at all times but I really try to make this good. And It makes me mad when people put all of their weird fucked up stuff on me. So, this is what I was thinking about last night before I went to sleep. I told you it was a hurricane in there. Thanks for reading...